As a leader, a coach, a team player, partner or parent, you are always learning new ways to develop and grow as well as to be an authentic teacher or mentor to someone, whether it is your four-year-old or your team of high profile executives.
There has been a lot of chatter of late about authenticity, vulnerability, and transparency in today's marketplace. We can all recognize almost immediately the people we meet who are "the real deal" vs. "the most sincere of the insincere" as one of my kids would say.
What does it take today to let your guard down and be true to your people and yourself in your day to day world? You can apply this to any part of your life. Are you the same person at home as you are at work, on the ball field, the golf course or out with your buddies on Friday night?
One of the things I have been practicing is an "attitude of gratitude" and working at being grateful, even for some of life's most difficult circumstances.
I'll tell you a story and I want you to know that as a private person and someone who you hopefully know to be authentic and transparent, that doesn't mean that I often share my innermost thoughts. In the spirit of gratitude, I think it is important, as a coach, a leader, a mentor a friend, a parent, etc that I share this story with you and hopefully this will spark something in you, and help you to do a little inner work of your own.
To say that my Father and I had a difficult relationship would be, to put it mildly. We rarely agreed in principle or in general on almost any topic you can pick. Dad was an artist and extremely talented. He worked in a family business where the expectations of him were sometimes unrealistic. He struggled to find a balance of mental health. He suffered from depression. He was often violent and abusive. He had a terrible relationship with my mother, although I can see that they loved each other once upon a time.
Dad had high expectations of most people around him and rarely did anyone ever meet them. As a student coming home with straight A's and the highest awards the school offered, I would get "is that the best you can do?"
Don't get me wrong, many of you boomers had similar Dads, it was not normal for Dad's to hug their kids and say I love you in those days.
Suffice to say that there were many years as an adult where he and I were estranged. As a child I was petrified of him, as a young adult I had disdain for him and when he became old and frail, I did my best to help support the needs he had while protecting myself mentally and emotionally.
Before he died, I only wanted to hear two things from him, "I'm sorry" and "I love you". I heard neither.
Many years of coaching, therapy, and inner work have brought me to this place of gratitude. It's real and tangible and full of joy. It's well worth the work (also another plug for coaching...)
As a younger adult, I went through a period where I was angry and bitter, but I understood that the price for this was only to be played out in my own life, so I worked hard to get past those old thoughts and behaviours to get to a place of forgiveness and gratefulness.
I looked at his life as a child, during the depression and the struggles my Grandparents had to keep their house and home together. Their family was separated for a time and I'm sure that took a toll.
My Grandfather and my Dad were both stubborn Scotsmen. Many a great trait have been passed down the line through that side of my family. Whilst we may be stubborn, we are also fiercely loyal.
Dad had a work ethic I've never seen rivaled by anyone I know. I learned how to work hard, to love work and to be grateful for work. Dad recycled and composted long before they became mainstream. We learned how to reduce, reuse, recycle before anyone.
We lived off the land, Dad had a huge garden and we all worked in it all summer, long before anyone went out to play with their friends. Mornings were for chores.
I learned how to water ski, boat, love the water, love nature, love cottage life and cottage country. Dad built us a cottage made out of old scaffolding as its frame. I learned how to camp out before we had the cottage.
I learned how to persevere, to overcome, to challenge myself, to never accept the status quo, to dig deeper for answers because they are always there.
There are also a lot of things I learned not to do, which I won't get into here, but I'm equally grateful for them.
None of us would be the person we are without the influence of the people in the power seats in our early lives. I could do another blog on Mom one day but today I'm grateful for Dad.
I'm grateful that I've come to this place and that I have been able to stand up the good and the things I learned in the world around me today.
We moved to cottage country a couple of years ago. We started a vegetable garden. We have a neighbour from the Netherlands whose family were generations of vegetable growers. We are not very good compared to him. While he laughs at our feeble attempts to grow a garden, I know that the things I learned as a child are paying off in the produce we are currently harvesting.
What are you harvesting from your difficult relationships? Have you been able to come to a place of gratitude? Are you a better coach, teacher, partner, leader or parent because of the gratitude you have?
Learning from and being grateful for every difficult circumstance you have ever had will set you up for more success in your future.
I'd love to hear your stories!
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